Reborn at 35
“Cerebral Atrophy Empty Sella Tortuous Cornea Intercranial Hypertension”. I shuddered looking at my brain MRI scan report. The doctor said, “You have a small hole in your brain”. Is that it? Is that the end of this life for me?
I started having high fever after my July 4th trip to the Big Bend National Park in Texas. I went to my primary care doctor and he ran some blood tests and said everything looks normal, would be some viral fever, and should go away in a few days.
3 weeks passed but I had a fever on and off. This time, I felt some weakness in my right hand and started having headaches in the afternoon. The primary care doctor said, “The weakness you are saying is a bit interesting. Fever for 3 weeks and weakness in the muscle, I will refer you to a neurologist”. He did some basic tests, asked me to stand on one leg, walk on heels, toes, tapped all over the body, and said he couldn’t see any weakness, but since it’s my body I will know better.
Most neurologists had appointments 1-2 months away, I finally found a neurologist 40 miles away who gave an appointment within a week. He did some physical tests again, examined my body, and said he couldn’t see any weakness either. He asked me to wait for a month and come back if the problem persists.
Those were the terrible days of my life. I researched online and for the symptoms I had, it said, “Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis” or ALS. All the documentaries I watched on ALS came to my mind – slow deterioration of muscles, eventually leading to death in a few years.
The uncertainty of why I was having a fever and muscle weakness made me shiver. I started developing twitches all over my body. My thumb started twitching involuntarily. I went online again, searching for, “Thumb twitching, muscle weakness”. The results came back immediately, “Beginning stages of ALS”. I jolted! God! Did I do anything wrong in this life? Is it going to end this way? Am I going to be bedridden? Why? I never hurt anyone, why?
I immediately caught the next flight and came to India to do all the tests. My mom embraced me with so much love and affection. I never felt so much love before. Mother O mother! What a beautiful being you are! Tears rolled from my eyes. How did I not ever realize this love from my mother? I realized how strong my mother was, “Don’t worry, it will be nothing. You will be perfectly alright. We will do all the tests here”. I hugged her.
I went through the brain MRI scan machine. The noise inside the machine was deafening. They did give some earplugs, but the sound of magnetic resonance being bombarded into my brain to capture the images was too overwhelming. I was lying down inside that machine and the sound was like that of a fire alarm sounding next to my ears. I endured that for 20 minutes.
The results came out that night, “Tortuous Cornea Empty Sella Cerebral Atrophy Benign Intercranial Hypertension”. I jolted from my seat.
Is it all for real? Is that it? Is that my life? I slowly began to accept, God thanks for giving me this life. I enjoyed traveling around America, India, and the world. The past 35 years of my life passed through like a movie. Thinking about the end of life, only two things came again and again. One was love. Another was travel. Career, money, education everything else was thrown in the trash. It never was in the remotest of my thoughts which job I held or what salary I received or which car I drove or what degree I graduated with. My heart was filled only with love. Different people parted at different stages of my life. My crush in high school. My best friends in college. When the time comes, will I be writing a goodbye mail to them, thanking them for being part of my life? My travels to foreign countries and meeting people there. My University professor. My wonderful family-like friends in Raleigh, wonderful colleagues in Austin, all my wonderful travels around the world. My throat choked.
Did I hurt anyone? I did realize I was a little rude to people. I never knew it. How did I ever not know? Incidents that I had totally forgotten, some incidents where I had been rude to some friends hurt me, they played like a movie. One other incident where I was rude to my mother, but she repaid that with love and kindness brought tears. Sorry God, sorry that I was rude, angry, and egoistic to some people. I really didn’t know. Thank you for this life.
My mom looked at the results and said again, “Do not worry, everything will be fine”. Oh my God, what a strong woman my mother is!
We went to the neurologist the next day with the reports. The neurologist poked needles all over my body. It was a nerve conduction test to see if there’s any weakness. If there are any in the nerves or muscles, this test will be positive. Some areas will not conduct electricity which would mean the muscles are dying in those areas. The tests hurt. Every place where the needles are poked gave mild shocks. My body jolted every time they passed electricity. They poked and twisted the needles inside the muscles.
The neurologist gave the news, “You have a small hole in your brain”. I sank in the chair with a pit in my throat.
“Ok.”, I said, preparing for anything.
“If you had been 5 years old, I would be very worried, it would have been life-threatening. Now that you are 35, you are 100% alright. Your brain had fully developed normally with that small hole, so everything’s perfect. Your nerve conduction test is normal. All your nerves and muscles are conducting fine. Your fever is viral. Your muscle weakness is temporary because of this persistent viral fever. Your thumb twitch is temporary like an eye twitch, a sign of anxiety, it will go away on its own. You have slight excess fluid in your brain. It’s normal for many, but some may develop mild headaches. I will just give you medicine for your headache and fever. Other than that, you are fit as a fiddle”!
Fit as a fiddle? God? Am I getting all my life back? Can I travel again? Can I ride my motorcycle? I’m going to live again? Oh God! I cried within. I promise I won’t be rude to people. I will be kind and loving. Thanks for showing a playback of my life, I would have never known about my ego, anger, rudeness. I will help everyone as much as I can. I will use this body for a good purpose. Thanks for giving me the life of a human being.
Meditation was the one that helped me cope with the past 3 months. This whole thing split my life into two, before the brain MRI and after.
When my life passed like a movie, staring at death, there were only two things that made any impact. One is love, which is what the very Earth is made of. How loving I was to others, how much love I received from others. And travel. Somehow it has a huge impact on the soul. Spirituality, yoga, and meditation came all through like a soothing balm. Career, name, fame, happiness, sadness, religion all took the last spot. It didn’t even come into my mind what career goals I had in life, or how happy or sad I was or which God I was praying to. It was only, “How much I was really alive”. I was really alive only when I was loving and kind, when I traveled, and when I meditated.
For more love, more kindness, more yoga and meditation, and more travels, at 35, I’m born again.
