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There Is No ‘Point B’ – Awakening of a software engineer
I wrote my first book, “Chennai to Chicago – Memoir of a Software Engineer” circa 2015. I shared the story of my journey from Chennai, to coming to the US for my Master’s, some heartbreaks, adventures, travels, and the spiritual quests that ensued. I was always seeking something throughout my life. As a kid, as a teenager, as an adolescent, as an adult, as a software engineer, traveler, writer, friend, yogi, I always sought something. I always thought, “There is a Point B and I need to get there.” I had no idea where that Point B was or how to get there. But I always felt, “Something’s missing.” And…
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This is all there is!
It suddenly struck me that we only have 7 or 8 decades of life, and half of it is already gone. Life suddenly feels so short! When I was in the university in the US, I liked a girl, we used to cook and eat together, spent hours on the phone discussing a lot of things, she called me when she went to buy cloth or jewelry, “Does this look good on me?” she would ask. Once she was looking at the miniest of the mini skirt and asked me, “How about this?”. I examined it for some time and hesitated a little, but asked her with concern, “What if…
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Do what you can
“Do what you can”. That’s what my Sensei told me when I was in Cleveland in 2009. It was snowing badly that day, and I wanted to skip the martial arts class that I had been going for a few months. That was a small non-profit dojo, very kind but talented martial artists. It’s called “Aikido”, a form of Japanese Zen-style martial arts. We start the day with a small meditation, some gentle exercises, and off we go to the mat. The initial few classes were about how to fall without getting hurt. And my Sensei said I am picking it up really good. I loved it. But the class…
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A beautiful dream with Gwyneth Paltrow
I had a super weird dream. Somehow, I literally traveled back in time, to 1991. I was standing in the middle of a road confused, the place was kind of like those small-town uptowns in Europe, roads laid with hexagonal bricks, where people hang out in pubs and coffee shops, laughing and chatting outside, everyone knew everyone else. It was kind of late evening-nighttime, it was quiet outside, but people were hanging out inside the restaurants. I was standing alone in the middle of the road looking around confused, when suddenly someone grabbed my hand and pulled me. I somehow instantly knew it was Gwyneth Paltrow! That confused stranger feeling…
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Breathe… in and out… in and out…
That life in your breath, wetness in your heart When you… Drenched in the rain Held a puppy in your hands Felt that butterfly in your stomach looking at someone Felt that pang when someone betrayed you Held your first job offer in your hands Cried as an adult Felt a deep love in your heart Felt a scalding hurt in your heart Take it all in… All the successes All the failures All the love All the hurt All the friendship All the betrayal Take it all in… Through all the happiness Through all the scars Take a deep breath of contentment… For all the beautiful experiences Of darkness…
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Dear Mother…
Dear Mother I entered this life through you You put skin on me Carried me right through the door As the door opened I heard the song of life What a glorious time it is! The life that gave me breath And sense And feelings And caring through my heart I walked on Trying to understand the mystery of life Love expanded me Hurt deepened me Made me more sincere And I walked on Sometimes blind and deaf Sometimes with pain Fought with my fears Embraced the unknown And still, I walked on Until I began to hear the song of life Sang through the birds Spoken through the winds…
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Reborn at 35
“Cerebral Atrophy Empty Sella Tortuous Cornea Intercranial Hypertension”. I shuddered looking at my brain MRI scan report. The doctor said, “You have a small hole in your brain”. Is that it? Is that the end of this life for me? I started having high fever after my July 4th trip to the Big Bend National Park in Texas. I went to my primary care doctor and he ran some blood tests and said everything looks normal, would be some viral fever, and should go away in a few days. 3 weeks passed but I had a fever on and off. This time, I felt some weakness in my right hand…
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Women
I remember once at work, there was a Business Analyst. Once there was some issue in the project and she kind of sighed, “Ah this project sucks! Of course, other than the fact that being born a woman suck. I felt bad, it’s alright to not like what’s going on in life but disliking the birth itself… that’s hard. When I got somewhat matured, in my mid 20’s, I started noticing my mother closely and understood the subtle sacrifices a woman has to always make in her everyday life. My mother is well educated in economics, but she had lost jobs just for the fact that she’s a woman. I…
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Self Help
“Mind” – the entity that fears insecurity. That always looks for security, perpetuating the survival. That complicates everything, from studies to career to relationship to money. That deludes rope to a snake, and snake to a rope. Mind, the sole reason for existence, the protector of the body; that generates adrenalin in times of peril, to make us more alert; that generates serotonin for happiness, to give us enthusiasm and smiles; that generates gastrin for digestion, to digest food at the right time, and not secrete acids at the wrong times as to digesting our own stomach; that generates hormones to sustain creation, the hormones that make us look for…
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Man came from Monkey? Dude… seriously?
I remember during 7th grade or so, my history teacher talked about Australopithecus, Zinjanthropus, Pithecanthropus, and Neanderthal men. I am surprised I still remember these terms because it was a “very important question” for the final exam. But there was one thing I didn’t quite understand. The concept of, “Man came from monkey” sounded utterly stupid to me. I asked my mom if it was true. And she said yes. Because, of course, she learned that when she was in high school as well. I walked on the road carrying my school bag looking at buffaloes and goats. I asked my friends, “Why aren’t buffaloes and goats intelligent? Why did…
